My plan to fix College Football

Merry New Year!!

"That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year." Trading Places...gotta love the classics.


Lot of things have happened since we last talked. The Spurs have soared, the Cowboys...not so much..though some fresh blood had them finishing strong. We also had the 2010-11 College Football season...well, we are still in it technically. That is what happens when you have 35 freaking bowl games. Yes..35. There are only 120 teams in Division I...yes DIVISION I...don't give me that FBS or FCS crap...lipstick, pig...you understand. 120 teams and 70 get to go the postseason as long as you have 6 wins...unless you are poor Temple..8-4 and they stay home but 13 6-6 teams went including such football factories as Middle Tennessee, FIU and UTEP. Bill Cosby is probably still choking on his pudding pop. Mediocrity, thy name is the NCAA.

The argument we hear every year about this time is for or against a Division I football playoff. Uncle Mikey is in favor of such a plan and if he were in charge it would happen...hmm....what would that be like? (cue wavy picture and dream sequence music)

I am now in charge of College Football. Automatic wins for Texas over the Aggies and Sooners every year!! OK...not really. Hey..this year they needed all the help they could get! However I would wield an iron hand. Some of you are not going to like it but what fun would it be if we all got along.

First thing I am doing is moving the headquarters...Indiana...really? The new headquarters will be 13131 San Pedro Drive, San Antonio Texas.

Down to business. You have those folks out there who are against a playoff. Let me tell you something campers, every excuse you have, I can counter with why it's weak and I will prove it to you now. The three biggest anti-playoff excuses are as follows:

The schools will lose money.
The players will have too much time away from class.
We will lose the tradition of the bowls.

Crap, crap and...hmm...oh yeah, crap!

"The Schools will lose money"
Are you kidding? The TV network execs would sell their children for the right to a D-1 playoff. The most recent March Madness package garnered the NCAA right at 1 Billion dollars...say it with me kiddos....One Bill-ion Dollars. ESPN/ABC, CBS and Fox would double that easily.

"The players will have too much time away from class"
Right, because the BCS conferences care so much about academics. The majority of the post-season is played during semester break. Besides, how would that differ than the regular season? Also...the other Divisions seem to be able to make it work, including D-3 which has no athletic scholarships. Yes, real students playing football and getting an education..who knew?

"We will lose the tradition of the bowls."
Ah yes....the tradition of such classic as the Beef O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl.
You incorporate the bowl system in to the playoff..with some tweaking.

Also, don't hand me this junk about "the current season makes every week a playoff game" Hmmm...somehow, Michigan State v. Northern Colorado or Alabama v.Georgia State doesn't scream postseason drama. But enough of me shooting holes in the opposition....let's get to the plan.

Currently there are 120 D-1 schools...that number will increase to 123 in the next 2 years. That is the number we are sticking with. No expansion for awhile. In fact I would even consider contracting a few schools down to 1-AA (Eastern Michigan and most of the Sun Belt...I'm looking at you) but for now, we will keep it with 123.

Next...you independents...pick a conference or go to 1-AA. BYU plans to go Indie in 2012...nope, back to the Mountain West. Army and Navy...because of your tradition..I will not demote you...have fun in the Big East. Speaking of which...TCU...you are going to the Big 12...I want geographic normalcy. Also, Big 12...find a 12th (TCU is your 11th) or I am re-naming you the Southwest Conference. In fact...I will do that...trade Oklahoma State to Conference USA...add TCU, SMU and Houston..done.

This leaves me with Notre Dame. Big East or Big 10, your choice. That shadow you see is the Shillelagh of Damocles over your Golden Dome if you piss me off. You jackwagons have had this "our poop don't stink" attitude for way too long. Rockne's dead and the Gipper ain't walkin through that door anytime soon. You think SMU's Death Penalty was bad...step one buckled shoe out of line and find out. Your soul belongs to Touchdown Jesus but your ass belongs to me.

Speaking of the Big 10....change the name or become the third division of the MAC. Mathematical normalcy will be achieved as well. Oh and "Legends and Leaders"? More like Dumb and Dumber...East and West...or, North and South...it ain't hard boys.

Back to the playoff system. It is really easy. There are currently 11 conferences. Each conference champion gets an automatic bid and there will be 5 at large bids for a 16 team bracket. Seeding will be as it is for March Madness. You play the first rounds before and opposite the NFL playoff games and the championship game is played in the time between the NFL Conference championship games and Super Bowl. It might take a few viewers away from the Pro Bowl but who would notice?

One other minor annoying bleat by the anti-playoff folks is "our kids will be playing too many games" Yeah...no. You have some schools playing 13 or 14 games anyway. I would eliminate conference championship games which would take one game away. Our little darlings can handle the extra time, they're young...they can take it.

Here is where you incorporate the bowls. You have 15 games in the playoff. You use your upper tier bowls for those playoff sites. You lessen the bowl payouts, which saves money, and the schools will still make money as they advance. Here is how I would break it down:

First Round sites:
Aloha (formerly Hawaii), Bluebonnet (formerly Texas)Holiday, Independence, Liberty, Peach (formerly Chik-fil-A), Sun Bowl, Tangerine (formerly Champs)

Quarterfinals:
Alamo, Cotton, Fiesta, Gator

Semi-finals:
Orange, Sugar

Final:
Rose

The title game was easy...the granddaddy deserves it. Perhaps you were wondering what was up with all the "formerly"'s. Corporate whoring...er, uh, I mean, sponsorship is a necessary evil but there needs to be restraint. No bowl will be known by just the sponsor name. It can be in the name but the bowl name must be there. For example...Chik-fil-A Peach Bowl=good....Chik-fil-A Bowl=bad. I also went back to some of the original names (Aloha, Bluebonnet, Tangerine). For the non-playoff bowls, you have to include a flower, fruit, city or state name. I will let the Humanitarian Bowl slide only because I dig the Smurf Turf. Bring back some of the classics, like the Cherry Bowl, Raisin Bowl or Salad Bowl!!! Or one of the all-time greats...the Bacardi Bowl. Imagine the stuff in that goodie bag!

With 15 bowl games and 16 teams taken for the playoff...that leaves 20 bowls, 40 teams. If we keep the current NCAA eligibility rules where you have to be 6-6 to qualify and we remove the 16 teams who qualified for the playoff....that would still leave us with 52 teams. I would raise the requirement to 7-5 and only go to 6-6 if there were not enough 7-5 teams to fill out the spots. If we did that....we would have 39 teams eligible and would only need to bring one 6-6 team up. That way you don't reward mediocrity and the quality of games would improve. You still keep the bowls intact and you reward those teams who have a good season. The bowls are important. If you are 7-5 or 8-4 and haven't been in a while, its good for your school, your players, your alumni and your fans. Everyone gets a week at the bowl site to enjoy the swag, impress your recruits and bask in the national spotlight, if only briefly.

It is really sad that D-1 college football is the only level of any sport who's champion is not decided on the field. This is not rocket science. We are taught from day one that if we win our games, we get to compete for a championship. How many years do we have 1 or 2 or more teams get screwed out of that chance. This year it was TCU, last year it was TCU and Boise. You pick a year, you can find a team who got hosed. The current BCS system expires in 2014. I hope that in the real world, the NCAA can find a way to work this out. However, when you have dimwitted and greedy conference commissioners possessing all the power, I won't hold my breath.

That is my plan to fix college football...and it's just crazy enough to work.

Merry New Year.